Ramanim - I deleted all or most references to Kafka in a novel I'm working on.


Seems like I've not typed for weeks. It's cos work's been a mechanical bastard but now it's Friday and that means, it means. I can sit and fart and think about Kafka. Everybody reads Kafka who out of all the poets on the playlist it's to him that I'm kind of most romantically attached and so much so I printed the Warhol portrait, taped it to my door. Which is clichéd. Sod it though. It's my fave painting. That neon-neon is alive. And looking-looking at the neon-neon I think: Kafka and Warhol are overlapping opposites and a cable connects the diaries to the factory but dunno how. And I think: Kafka is a console game. And I think: Kafka polishes a secret crow whose wings are metallic and purple and blue. And I think: Kafka Cybernetic stockprice this morgen fell by 13 points. And I think: Kafka visits Artemis bordello. And I think: Kafka has a monopoly on the letter K. And I think: Kafka in a seedy letter asked Felice what she's wearing. And I think: Kafka Zoo. And I think: Kafka in the 2nd-person operates in the 1st-person. And I think: Kafka taught art to those who teach me about art but I'm a bad student. And I think: Kafka is a kind of detective and his stories are kind of criminals. And I think: Kafka produced music in spurts of delirium. And I think: Kafka is a brand-name for a benzo pharmaceutical. And I think: Kafka is a brand-name for a spy software. And I think: Kafka's eyes emit a high-pitch electronic buzz whose intensity increases as I get closer to the suffering that penetrates to the roots of my teeth. And I think: Kafka moonwalks to Kraftwerk. And I think: Kafka and his mythic porn collection. And I think: Kafka plays tennis with an ADIDAS racquet. And I think: Kafka uses silicon earplugs. And I think: Kafka in a room. And I think: Kafka is the room. And I think: Kafka is a metaphor for my drug addiction. And I think: Kafka is the angel misfit. And I think: Kafka pinball machine. And I think: Kafka did 1 long confession which is a poem, a documentary about 21st Century life.












. . .
0: Type it as you hear it, with the body as much as the brain. 1: Howl quietly of wounds, seeking isness, looking for the mystery that once found you deepen it. 2: Be thou clean. 3: Practice hunger and primitive living. 4: Work not in an office but where there's life like a zoo, a sadomasochism club, a slaughterhouse. 5: Taste words, touch them, listen to their beats. 6: Don't seek approval. 7: Nobody has a monopoly on the word howl. 8: Intuit and eschew! 9: Edit not in a masturbatory way. 10: Unsystematically read the playlist and reread the playlist unsystematically. 11: Be unafraid of solitude. 12: Confess faults not virtues. 13: No sugar






Adidas Poetry School is kind of a place in my mind, a 1-man MFA created when I left the UK for Berlin.

It's also a document I'm having fun making, living with, changing organically over time as new ideas appear in my brain. Some chapters are about words I enjoy such as the pronoun I and the slang for don't know which is dunno and words like howl and frit and flow. Some chapters document my journey from the UK to Berlin and about when I scattered my parents cremains, did a month of cold-turkey and then enrolled. Some chapters kind of ask: What is art? There's a school manifesto and a required reading list. The document is designed with interconnecting signs like Julian Cope (who references the village where I was raised, where part of the document is set) to krautrock to Kafka (who of course lived in Berlin) to Lydia Davis to Transcendentalism to acid-house to Saul Bellow to Werner Herzog to Thomas Bernhard to Mark E Smith. And I thought: If I was interviewed I'd say: This is my Trump and Kanye West novel. I know what I mean. 

Anyway, the plan is to self-publish but I saw a publisher who I think seem okay. I doubt they'll accept my submission. Part of the school philosophy is DIY so I think it'd be fake to set it up for gatekeepers to sniff at. I would love an editor though. Someone to bounce ideas off. 



This past month, since I got an office job, since autumn shifted to winter, since with more of a purpose I've been flowing thru Berlin, I've reread Kafka. At the age of 20 to 25 I read most of his work. I was impressed by the Diaries and flash fictions. Lately, with a fresh eye for prose, even though I read in translation, I've looked how his sentences are constructed. I'm also fascinated by his vast influence, how he showed the way for Garcia Marquez, for Bernhard, for Sebald, for Walter Benjamin, for Krasnahorkai, for Coetzee and Bolano, Roth, Borges, DFW, Zadie Smith, Kundera. Maybe 1 day I'll read him in German. A Salman Rushdie comment grabbed me. He said of the 3 giants of modernism, Kafka/Proust/Joyce, it's Kafka's world where in the 21st Century we live.






. . .

My Solitary Furnace Experience

To move steadily and continuously in a current or stream. Liquid. Time. Music. Fire. A gutter. Howling words. Everything flows. Saliva. Teat milk. Online data. Birdsong. Pollen maybe. I dunno. What else f-lows? The river I see on the commute naturally flows. And of course around my body the blood flows. And a breeze flows. Public opinion flows. Electricity flows. And if you squeeze a blackhead and it cracks open, the worm of pus oozing out of your skin kinda flows. Also I read that a crowd density of 6 or more people per square metre flows. And growing leaves, shedding leaves, leaking its sap, the axletree flows. Noel Edmonds' career flows. The foam from a rabies mouth flows. And while mortar flows, the concrete used to build my solitary furnace does not flow. But from asshole to noseholes a cabbage fart stinkily flows. A factory with its machines and its robot employees flows. My antibacterial hand gel flows. All types of repetition flows. Richard Nixon dug repetition. And entropy? Thermodynamics? I'm no science person so I dunno. But back to the flows such as gold at 1064 Celsius. Now that flows. And gravy flows. And this afternoon, up and down and up and down, the PEPSI price on a financial chart kinda flows. Sand falling from an hourglass's top bulb to the bottom bulb flows. And mist flows. So fog flows. And beer flows. So whiskey flows. So also laughter flows. And cig smoke flows. Tomato soup flows. The 18 minute song Halleluhwah flows. An exciting football match flows. And sperm flows and petrol flows and hot butter like hot lard flows. And changing shape, a cloud and a desert dune kinda flows. Brandy on a junky's tinfoil flows. Volcanic magma flows. Frog spawn possibly flows. Slush flows. Prose like paint like notes from a saxophone flows. The human voice f-lows.






This is what somebody with nothing to type, who cannot write, with nothing to say, this is an example of what their fingers might type, what the brain could say. 

They begin with: I'm a confession machine. 

And they expand by going: I have buttons and slots and dials cos I think I'm a confession machine but I'm not any kind of machine.

That's how this person begins. 

And they continue: Insert an imaginary currency, anything, whatever, a metal disc, a bent coin or ripped note or you can use credit card or Visa Debit or pay by cheque.

On that information, the somebody with nothing to type to say, they elaborate: Insert a beak or any kind of fish tail and I'll tell some memories, which can be lies or truth or an oil splattered brain splattered canvas. I don't know. 

And this person, a machine with shit to express, they end with this: God I'm scared tonight. Yes. I wish I could type as to why I've got this dread this fear about life. But it's boring. I'm far away from home but what I think is my home isn't my home. My gut is twirling. God is a mountain. Any hill. Any tree. God is William Shakespeare. A comet with flaming long hair. He had much to scribble, to say. I got nothing but I feel less alone and I feel more centred by uttering the nothing for my fingers to type and my brain floating in its box to say. I'm gonna have a smoke and then piss about online and then read and then sleep and then tomorrow. God. I'll take a train to the city where I'll damage my life.

So this is all the volts the machine has to confess. 

Goodnight.
Sloping up before the terraced house in which we lived between 1980 and December 1993 there's this Hoo Hill. I typed of it before. Mention it in my 1st poem Womb Tomb Movie. On the hillcrest, which is a cowfield, stands the Hoo obelisk commemorating an ancient nunnery destroyed in the English Reformation and as a youth I thought and I still think the hill has spiritual significance. I named it The Dream Come True. This shit's important to me. And that Monday, as we strolled past the field that separates our old street and Hoo, I'd never seen this Mojave Desert before. A building site. Bungalows without glass or frames in the windows, bungalows without roof tiles. Or are they cottages? That's irrelevant. There was a JCB digger, 2 cement mixers, a few more bungalows, a headfuck of an encroachment of my dreams. Bullshit, I said. And to sound semi-literary, my heart knocked a desolate thump saying pathetically: Nobody knows me. Nobody knows me. Nobody knows me.
The same-old-same-old words below I found in a document, currently titled ADIDAS Poetry School, which I've been making on and off for about 18 months. I deleted them from the document and paste here. For a future read. A future edit. A future delete. 

The Howl Books. There is no monopoly on the word howl. Below is a list of books I've read that howl to me. Most literary genres can do it: a novel can howl, a poem can, plays, diaries, autobiographies, essays, even scripture. Mainly it's the language. But a writer's life can make a book howl, their personality. They leave no maggot lonely. I dunno. I'm unsure. There'll be thousands of howl books I've not read and my choices are stuff everyone reads. The list changes organically as I work out my kind of dumb obsession with the word howl and howling. I've not thought much about yawp. But that word is significant. And I think: Maybe a writer howls when their voice is at the upmost pitch of vitality. When I read a howl book my mind sees memories of Jawbone, the village where I grew up, or memories of things my parents said or what friends said or teachers. Sometimes when I read a howl book my mind says: You're not alone.

The Book of Job: My flesh is clothed in worms and clods of dust, says Job whose name I pronounced as job until Myra chuckled and said: You pronounce it Jobe.

The Works of Shakespeare: Act IV on the heath, to cracking thunder, Lear says: Howl, howl, howl, howl. Is it the first howl in English literature? The first time that we smell the air, he says. We waul and cry. The Folio version of the play ends with King Edgar, who rid Britain of the wolves that roamed the countryside after Lear's death. 1 of Shakespeare's styles or tones is to riff apocalyptically. Like when Gloucester says: My old heart is cracked, it's cracked! The howl is in those words. You can hear suffering represented as a flow of the world as we find it or make it for ourselves. I have no friends and apart from my brother no family. I just spent Christmas Day alone. When I leave the UK, the Complete Works will be in my rucksack. And I think: With his idea of all-the-world's-a-stage, Shakespeare is saying everything is art. What you say is art. The little of what you do in your room or when you bike along a street and you go in TESCO and buy a packet of oats and a carton of yogurt and a banana is art. Being alone in a room on Christmas Day leaves no choice but to try and turn your life into something else.

Tristram Shandy: The Sterne howl is that of a jester. 

The Books of William Blake: Every time I read Blake I see the word howling, which thrums louder than the other words on page. You see it mainly in his prophecy books. 

Moby Dick: Like most howl books it's inspired by Shakespeare. When reading this and other Melville the voice in my head occasionally flows into that of Werner Herzog. I mean it's as if Herzog is narrating it to me.

Leaves of Grass: Sound your voice! All howl books are life-howls and death-howls. 

Kafka's Diaries: Like a dog, says K as he dies in The Trial. Kafka knew the howl sensibility. In his Diaries he turns his life into an art factory and it's a precursor to Warhol's studio, I thought. I know what I mean.

The Sound and the Fury: Faulkner read the Old Testament, Shakespeare, Moby Dick. In his prose I can hear the human voice. Spittle in the throat. There's a beat to the words and sometimes when I think of his style I hear a tolling bell from a church in a desert, which I know isn't Yokonapawtha. But it's just what my brain does when I read his prose. 

Apocalypse: Here's to DH Lawrence. In his poems and novels and non-fiction he is ululating. This winter I have been compositing in my brain the howl of DHL and the howl of Kanye West. Compositing is a word I read in a Harold Bloom essay. West had an on-stage breakdown. He yawped about Obama saying the outgoing President wasn't allowed to do this: Eeyahhhhhhhggggrrrr! He jumped up and down, arms flailing over his head as he talked of Brexit and Trump and I thought: There's something going on here. Technology is making us more primitive. Dunno why or how. 

Tropic of Cancer: The first howl book I read. July 1993. A month later I slept in the bushes of a Paris park. This howl is a mix of the Whitman howl and the Celine howl. Maybe every Miller book is a howl. I've not read them all.

Finnegans Wake: It's has to be a howl, a howl of howls. An autobiography. After Hamlet, and the chaos it represents, there's this book built like a cube that is a musical instrument with peepholes you play with your eyes before going to kip to dream of things you can't tell people and if you tried they'd say: Don't tell me. The syntax is like Shakespeare. Sometimes it works if I read it in the voice of Mark E Smith's lyrics, which is okay cos a Wake motif is the fall of shit. And whoever built the first atom bomb was building the atom bomb when Joyce was making The Wake. It took him seventeen years. The character Shem Penman is an alter-ego who wrote about his back-life using his body as foolscap paper and his shit for ink. It's an autobiography of his brain, a performance piece. When writing he'd dictate to Beckett and there was a knock at the door and Joyce said come in and Beckett wrote it down. When Joyce read back what was written he said: What's this about come in? You said that, said Beckett. Joyce paused and thought of Moses and then said: Let it stand. I've owned 4 copies of The Wake. The first was the Penguin with a bruised cloud on the cover, the last birthday present my mom got me. A foggy afternoon ages ago I built a fire in the back garden and I burnt loads of old bank statements and gas bills and water bills and cos I had got the Restored Text hardback I burnt this copy of Finnegans Wake cos a character in the novel called ALP is a goddess of rebirth and I connected her with my mom. I remember the tongues of fire, that afternoon. I remember the grey sky, my jacket smelling of smoke. The hedgerow was black and leafless.

This novel is BBC, ITV, NBC, CNN, Fox, Fox, Yahoo, Apple, Google, Google. 

Fable for Another Time - I and II: Every Celine sentence in these two novels is a howl. He yells. I got my Fable I copy on 1 of the loneliest days of my life. 12th of August 2012. It was the last day of the Olympic Games and I got a train from Manchester to London. 

Three Novels: Beckett.

Think, when Krapp says: Spoool!

The Adventures of Augie March: I was gonna use the word rhapsodise and I thought of Bohemian Rhapsody, which is the first thing I remember seeing on TV. The video. I was on the settee in the flat on Long Street. When I was born, a coalmine whose mound you could see outside our living-room window would clatter with conveying machinery and trucks all day and night. But you didn't notice. I wish I remembered. I can only recall the sound of the whistle that announced the start or the end of the pitmen's shift. But anyway, rhapsody: I read that Saul Bellow uses a rhapsodic style in his 800 page novel The Adventures of Augie March, which is a howl, especially at the end when it says: Oh to XXXX.....

JR: This is more like the Faulkner howl. 

Suttree: This novel is a third-person howl. But if you found the words he and Suttree and replaced them with I, without much damage to the flow, you could change it into first-person. There is a loneliness in Suttree, a man who lives in a floating cabin, who owns a skiff and catches catfish on the Thingy River. Maybe if I list this novel I should also list Huck Finn. There is a clang, so to speak, to Cormac's language, that comes from the King James and Shakespeare and Melville and Faulkner and Hemingway and Joyce and a howling voltage in the prose makes me think: Mmmm black coffee.

Sabbath's Theatre: The Roth howl began with Portnoy's Complaint. Typed in the first-person the novel is famous for Portnoy wanking with a piece of liver. Roth was inspired by Bellow and Kafka and Celine and Henry Miller. The Roth howl was perfected in Sabbath's Theatre. The prose is steel, how it runs across the page.
Image result for dh lawrence phoenix


My 1st reading experience where the prose gobsmacked me was Tropic of Cancer. Its confessional honesty such as when Miller admits to walking round Paris with a hardon made me laugh aloud and later that month in Paris I told my friend about that detail and he also laughed. We slept in a park all week and as I lay in this waterproof army sleeping bag I'd think but not have the courage to find a prostitute. Anyway. My 2nd reading experience where the prose gobsmacked me was Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. I related to it. I said to mate: This is my bible. And the 3rd reading experience where the prose gobsmacked me was Women in Love.

With the Lawrence novel, I couldn't relate really to the carnal stuff cos at that time I'd only had sex  once. I related to the nature. His vision made my vision clearer as I walked around the North Warwickshire coal belt, full of rolling green fields, woods, country lanes banked with different flowers like fox gloves.
Image result for dh lawrence phoenix


The year after reading Women in Love I lived for 6 months in Nottingham. DHL Country. Then on the internet a few years later I met an older woman who lived in Derbyshire, which is also DHL Country. We bonded over his work. I posted her I forget which novel of his. And eventually I visited her house for a weekend. I never saw her again though. She said DHL was a snake. And she called her black cat what is a tasteless or let's be almost precise: a racist name. So I ignored her. Then, I think 2 years later, with a girlfriend, we hired a car and went to see my dying mom and then drove up to Eastwood, DHL's birthplace. We visited his now museum of a home on a terraced street. In his old backyard I remember an iron draincover etched with his phoenix design that's on those orange Penguin Classics covers. I photographed it but the image is now lost on some old computer I threw in a dustbin. But anyway. My like of Lawrence waned. I found his style sloppy compared to Joyce's, who I'd read in the Budgeon book on JJ, how he, JJ spent all day arranging the same word order of a sentence. I admired that kind of madness. So we went to Dublin on a JJ pilgrimage, to Martello Tower. And like Leo Bloom, but not on the beach, I pulled my pud. It was on the top deck of an unpopulated tourist bus. My girlfriend encouraged me, I have to add. And at the time I wasn't thinking of Bloom. I just had the throb and wanted to cum, to have fun.

It's been this last 2 years that I have appreciated DHL again, cos his prose is alive. He had the fire. I just sat on the doorstep reading and here it is: The primitive flame of DHL.
Image result for dh lawrence phoenix

The days go by, through the brief silence of winter, when the sunshine is so still and pure, like iced wine, and the dead leaves gleam brown, and water sounds hoarse in the ravines. It is so still and transcendent, the cypress trees poise like flames of forgotten darkness, that should have been blown out at the end of summer. For as we have candles to light the darkness of night, so the cypresses are candles to keep the darkness aflame in full sunshine . . . page 88 in Twilight in Italy, which just reminded me of looking at the stars outside Pisa while I took a long needed piss.
Image result for dh lawrence phoenix
Is Existential Angst or are those pangs I get at some point of each day, of pissed-off-ness, are either of them mental diseases? I thought in the 2nd Best Bed. Wanting words about utter loneliness. Which when Pinter says those words, utter loneliness, makes me happy. It's a play about utter loneliness. Or the impossibility of love. But also the possibility of love.





Reading list for a school in my head....

A Midsummer Night's Dream/Henriad/King Lear
Book of Job/Book of Jeremiah/Book of Revelation: KJV
The Complete Prose Works of Ralph Waldo Emerson
Leaves of Grass
The Diaries of Franz Kafka
DH Lawrence's non-fiction prose
Finnegans Wake
Witold Gombrowicz Diary
Pale Fire
Humboldt's Gift
Gathering Evidence
Prisoner of Love
Rings of Saturn
Samuel Beckett: The Grove Centenary Edition V.2
The Collected Stories of Lydia Davis
The Unknown University
My Struggle Books 1 to 6
Seiobo There Below
A Manual for Cleaning Women: Selected Stories

little death machine




Ich leave real quick das Berlin Nacht
Ich rausum mach aus Berlin nacht
Ich rausum mach das Berlin nacht
Ic-raus-Mach-Schnell aus das Berlin nicht
Ich-aus Schnell mach sas Berlin nacht
Ich Mach Schnell pack und aus das Berlin nacht
Ich raus schnell mach von Berlin nacht
The child's four-fingered bruises on my hip
Meant I had been one day possessed

Right through Berlin Nacht
Right on to Berlin Tag
The sunlit Berlin day
By Tonsillitis size train station Zoo
Could only in one way fail to impress
This on drinks door I did lay
I had been one day possessed...



Unfinished, unedited essay. Excuse the drips.

Sound your voice ... I forget where I read that, but it's a phrase I enjoyed like the phrase everybody is howling now, I thought and then typed it and then retyped it and retype it again here. Music and prose combined I also thought make the drumbeat of a sentence and the word drumbeat is inspired by a James Wood essay. The Fun Stuff: Homage to Keith Moon is about how The Who man inspired Wood to play drums.

The essay is autobiographical. Wood says that on hearing The Who as a kid he tried imitating Moon on a friend's older brother's drumkit. Moon spoke to boys, I guess, in those days anyway. 1974 I was born. My first Moon memory was in about 1982. He played the paedophile Uncle Ernie in Tommy, a film I watched during my first flu and had a nightmare about where I was kind of blind, deaf and dumb and in loads of debt. But he amused me, Moon. I saw The Who at Isle of Wight, my dad said and he talked with my mom about Moon's antics and I laughed at the smashing up of the drumkits and the Rolls Royces' driven into swimming pools and the TV sets thrown out of hotel windows. Cliche I know. At 16 I'd eventually throw my old TV set out of my bedroom window as homage to Keith Richards and Moon. And I'd eventually sit up and down on a piano keyboard and break the strings accidentally but not as a homage to Moon. Back to earlier years though, my dad said: Animal's based on Keith Moon. Animal was my fave Muppet, the mad drummer with the mad eyes. And Moon had mad eyes, I felt. But they seemed friendly, the white of his eyes did like a cow's but Moon had a wild glint I thought I understood. I don't know.

Woods compares Moon's drumming to his ideal sentence. It's rebellious, a jazzy but tight but a splurge of a style, writes Wood. I paraphrase. It's the kind of sentence Wood himself wants to write, having published a novel, only he's too chickenshit.

He says:

(hjhdjfhbfj)

This inspired me to look for this Moon kind of sentence in DHL, Bellow and DFW. So by my pillow I stacked two book piles. All paperbacks. So there's The Rainbow, Twilight in Italy, Apocalypse, Herzog, Him with his Foot in his Mouth, It All Adds Up, Infinite Jest, A Supposedly Fun Thing, Brief Interviews. In each I dip. Flicking thru the pages, stopping on paragraphs I think chunky enough, I spent a weekend in search of these Moonlike sentences.

Here's what I found.

pg 214 Herzog
pg 156 or 7 - pg 120 - DHL essays
Forget what in DFW.



[Paul Morley:] "What did you want to be when you were seventeen?"
[Grace Jones:] "Not bored."
[Paul Morley:] "And what was the first thing you did to alter that situation of being bored?"
[Grace Jones:] "I floated on a cloud."
[Paul Morley:] "Like we all do I suppose?"
[Grace Jones:] "Not all of us."
[Paul Morley:] "And then what happened?"
[Grace Jones:] "The lucky ones."
[Paul Morley:] "And then what happened? You fell off the cloud?"
[Grace Jones:] "I don’t think I ever came down from that cloud. It was wonderful."

Oh the action

Jones
Miss Grace Jones

[Jean-Paul Goude:] "There was nothing that indicated that Grace could be a star except her deep conviction."

Jones
Miss Grace Jones

[Grace Jones:] "I think that too much vanity in a man irritates me, and in a woman, oh God..."

Jones
Miss Grace Jones

[Paul Morley:] "What things make you blush?"
[Grace Jones:] "Being adored and worshipped, one of the things that makes me blush."

Jones
Miss Grace Jones

[Jean-Paul Goude:] "Grace really has this thing in the back of her head. She really lets herself carry and when it feels good she just fits into things. She doesn’t analyze too much."

Jones
Miss Grace Jones

"I first met Grace at the Russian Tea Room in New York. That was about 1978. She was like the disco queen of that period."

Jones
Miss Grace Jones...





For a long time I used to ...



Laura and Tommy were lovers
He wanted to give her everything
Flowers, presents, and most of all, a wedding ring.

He saw a sign for a stock car race, a thousand dollar prize it read, he couldnt get Laura on the phone, so to her mother, Tommy said

Tell Laura I love her,
Tell Laura I need her
Tell Laura I may be late,
I've something to do, that can not wait.

He drove his car to the racing ground
He was the youngest driver there
The crowd roared as they started the race
from the track they drove at a deadly pace

No one knows what happend that day, how his car over turned in flames, but as they pulled him from the twisted wreck, with his dying breath, they heard him say...

Tell Laura I love her,
Tell Laura I need her
Tell Laura not to cry
my love for her, will never die

Now in the chapel Laura prays, for her Tommy who passed away
it was just for Laura he lived and died
alone in the chapel she could hear him cry

Tell Laura I love her,
Tell Laura I need her
Tell Laura not to cry
my love for her will never die

Tell Laura I love her,
Tell Laura I need her...


Searching for the pefect tunes.... First heard this on headphones at about 2am on a Friday in the dark lying in bed and the rich sound of the synth thrummed down into some deep-seeming part of me and then the piano melody begins and I wanted it to go on for a longer time than the minute or so it plays on the tune.




Zombie soundtrack without zombies. And I would just like to remember some words of St. Francis of Assisi which I think are really just particularly apt at the moment. Where there is discord, may we bring harmony. Where there is error, may we bring truth. Where there is doubt, may we bring faith. And where there is despair, may we bring hope...




This creates weird memories that I can't see, just an orange glow of my parents in their youth.





The maze is not for you....
Today was dark when I woke. Yesterday too. The day before was grey vapour, in the room, when I woke, dusk hour. The sun goes down between 4 and 4:30 and my body is in this groove where I fall asleep about 8am. Kip my dad would call it. Sleep. So I did too. He also taught me, when you bite into say a plain or chocolate Hobnob, you suck the crumbs from the biscuit before you dunk. That way the oats or other bits don't fall into your tea. He also taught me that when you urinate, to stop your penis dribbling afterwards into your pants, you press into your testicles and that pumps out the excess that'd trickle out later and sting, it did, it stung before I didn't shake it and press my things. Yeah. It is 10:18pm. I've not left my bedsit. I've spoken to nobody. Your voice is my voice are the only words I typed online. And I kind of teach myself to think without thinking.
Society of Spectacle

the American Beserk
Saul Bellow ... that frying jazz

Turning it over, considering, like a madman
Henry put forth a book.
No harm resulted from this.
Neither the menstruating     stars (nor man) was moved
at once.
Bare dogs drew closer for a second look

and performed their friendly operations there.
Refreshed, the bark rejoiced.
Seasons went and came.
Leaves fell, but only a few.
Something remarkable about this
unshedding bulky bole-proud blue-green moist

thing made by savage & thoughtful
surviving Henry
began to strike the passers from despair
so that sore on their shoulders old men hoisted
six-foot sons and polished women called
small girls to dream awhile toward the flashing & bursting
  tree!

Berryman ... Dream Song 75
"He says life while I say exist..."

A maggot-in-the-dirt novel ... in which I remember things I did and then type about them.


The voice in my head. Sometimes, it speaks slowly. Sometimes fast. The voice never stops flowing like the word brain is flowing thru my brain so I type brain. My human brain with human thoughts. One hundred days in sodom thoughts. My name is Mark Corrigan. My name isn't Mark Corrigan but my brain said it, so yeah. 

The voice in my head. Sometimes, it speaks slowly. Sometimes fast. The voice never stops flowing like the word brain is flowing thru my brain so I type brain and yes ... where-what now? 

The voice in my head said this shit above. But that's kind of the point without being the point, which is bullshit I guess cos I'm typing this shit and so I admit its shitiness which makes it even shitter.



Hello ... Hello


Turn art into gum disease ... gum disease into art
 
When art cures gum disease I wish. Copied cropped pasted from Contemplating a Self Portrait as a Pharmacist, a Damien Hirst sculpture of glass, steel, wood, oil on canvas, lab coat, various artist's materials, tables, mirror, shoes, ashtray, lighter, cigarettes, ceramic jug, bowls, mug and toilet roll ... 1998.
a memory ... or a great ape - click here to buy a book


Memory, late-August 2016, some men's bullshit magazine, picked up in the barbers, flipped thru, reading the copy but not the art of a NOKIA advert selling me, asking me to buy again, my phone.

Back then, the ad begins. Did you think about life much? I think you did. I remember. You in bed, it was like an ash-pit, which you typed, all those spliffs, cigs. Or not cigs, too expensive. It was rollups.

The second paragraph I'm sure says: How did we end up in this room for seven years? It's a coverted attic, kind of a garret maybe. Poet's are known to live in garrets. I'm not a poet. I feel like a poet though.

And the next line of this NOKIA page I read before my haircut says: Remember the night we ... yeah. You asked: What is the model of your mobile phone?

Then it goes something like: I didn't know. I didn't care what model. It didn't say on the handset so you undid the plastic cover and the battery said BL-5CB. Then you went online. The model of mobile was the NOKIA 105. You told me: It cost £20 from Fone Spot in Rusholme. After you paid and walked out the shop the man who sold it laughed loudly and I thought: At you or me?

I defo remember the last line cos it locked in my brain like a bone in a throat I thought when getting my haircut, the barber shaving a number five, an almost crewcut. It says, the last line: Perhaps it says something about the empty spaces in your life, the model, about what you forget and it's filled by a _____ ringtone.

Having a bath that night, the water cool, I asked: Why that omission? Cos the sound? I'm not here.
Leonard Knight 1931 ... 2014



William backslash Emily I typed before a dot-dot-dot and more names, Jim and Sam, which I also separated with a backslash, then Cormac and Lydia, which I separated with a third back of the slash, which sounds urgh, back of the yeah and more three dots, always three dots, six, nine, a tic.

The sound and sight of yes and other words above seems natural/okay-but-not-okay, to me.

And more bullshit or not bullshit is I don't know you and you don't know me and I only know the bones of who I am. But that's alright, will do: three I's and two yous, one bones ... thinking about books/letters/nonfiction.
The title of this collection of words is Deleted.

An artist whose work I've seen online asks: Is playing GTA a valid enough experience from which you can make art?

Yes, I thought. It was a hot day. Stood outside Vinewood Medical Centre I lit a rollup and gazed at nothing, at the shadows on the tarmac on the road. Sunbeams warmed my face, tightened the skin, the cheeks as I inhaled smoke as I exhaled smoke as I inhaled smoke. I exhaled smoke. I thought about the documentary I'd watched the night before about the porn film known as Animal Farm. Haunted, I thought. Ben Dover, I thought. Once I'd flicked my cig at a litter bin I climbed onto my bicycle. I pedalled down Power Street then Occupation Avenue into Downtown where I locked my bike to the railings outside MAZE, which is a bank in my world. A woman was using the left cashpoint, a man the right. As I waited, rooting in my front jeans' pocket for my cashcard, a man on a disability scooter called the man using the cashpoint. Oi, he said and smiled. What's that plastic thing you've put on the slot? I smiled at the floor.

Memory as a library I thought as the ATM slot sucked in my MAZE card. I pressed the 1 key, the 8 key twice and the 2 key. I pressed the button for Cash, pressed 300. My heartbeat was fastening. A drop of sweat trickled down my forehead as my fingers grasped the wad of notes that came out of the mouth of the ATM as it bleeped. It was a hot day.

From Games Podium I purchased a PS3. From Cash Converter I got a 20 inch high-definition TV.

With the console under my right arm, the telly under my left, I stuggled to the Downtown Cab Company taxi rank where a Middle Eastern-looking man sat at the steering wheel of a parked AUDI Something. Our eyes met. Can you take us to Rockford please, I said and as I hefted the TV onto the backseat the man said: Watch, it's leather!

Sat behind him, as we talked about the sunshine, I observed the black hairs on his neck. There was an old pink scar and I wondered what'd produced the inch-wide slit.

Turn left onto Peaceful Street please mate, I said and three or four seconds after he did I gestured with a hand over his shoulder and droning words came from my lips for him to park by the oak tree. Yeah. I picked up the PS3, put it on the pavement outside my house, same with the TV and it took me two lugs up the four stairs between the doorstep and my room and I was breathless and sweating down my back. I went downstairs into the taxi and he parked outside the MAZE in Downtown where I unlocked and pedalled my bike to my Rockford ashpit.

Yeah. Life. I live in Eclipse Towers. I got a PS3, a new TV. After plonking/putting the set on a rickety table, and after connecting the wires, I plugged them in and loaded the console with GTA V. It's a disc. It whirred in the machine. It whirred for 25 minutes. I remember seeing on the screen the numbers 16/21 and I went down the CO-OP supermarket, got tobacco. I think I got a carton of humous, a box of breadsticks. When I came back the TV screen still said 16/21.


I died and respawned on Mount Chiliad



For the next three months, from now till December, I want to spend my time climbing the rocks of, the crags of Mount Chiliad while thinking about UFOs and signs.




P-wharp



The Fart - 21:36 - 10/08/2016 ... Gonna edit this. But yeah: If I had a hundred wishes that could magically happen, one of my more frivolous ones would to be able to break-wind for like twenty minutes per rip. Imagine. To fart for anything over ten seconds is my idea of bliss. To release a gust from your arse for half a minute would feel, would feel. It would almost, on the odd occasion, when you've wanked a plenty, it would almost feel as enjoyable as ejaculation. Just now, watching the OLYMPIC men's all-around gymnastics final on the laptop, I dropped one. As a Chinese man with a flat-top hair somersaulted over a high bars, my gut squelched and with a move down it went toward my backside when the air gave like a little rip, a coda, before silence and then it came like a P-WHARP elongatedly and the sound opened as the pressure increased and the noise I think was the wind squeezing thru the crinkles around the hole of my anus and the displacement of gas from bladder to the room's atmosphere, the lightness it put inside my body, felt good. It piped out trumpeting into almost a crescendo I felt that moment but in hindsight to describe the sound and the soul of the fart the best words would be: It whimpered. It stunk of last night's turkey slices, a gamey pong I've noticed rise thru my skin and maybe there was a tang in the odour when taking a piss. But yeah. I love to fart, trumping I called it as a kid. It's weird though how I feel embarrassed when farting in front of women. But anyway, write this, something to do. I farted. It felt good but not as good as ejaculating. I wanted to fart more but couldn't. The End.

I'm not asking anyone to buy or read ... Just enjoy uploading pics of it

To howl and flow is the way, my way, where I want to go/be ...




howling, maggots, pointlessness

like a caged beast born of caged beasts born of caged beasts born of caged beasts born in a cage and dead in a cage, born and then dead, born in a cage and then dead in a cage, in a word like a beast, in one of their words, like such a beast, and that I seek, like such a beast, with my little strength, such a beast, with nothing of its species left but fear and fury, no, the fury is past, nothing but fear, nothing of all its due but fear centupled, fear of its shadow, no, blind from birth, of sound then, if you like, we'll have that, one must have something, it's a pity, but there it is, fear of sound, fear of sounds, the sounds of beast... SB.
Click the Like, thumbs-up ... Express your disingenuousness

When I published Breaking Glass in Your Tomb Again, I forget where I was but a voice came to me. It was my voice but not my voice. It had a slight Birmingham accent and it said: You’re a maggot in the dirt now mate. And I interpreted it, this brain noise. And it meant like I was now a kind of poet of splatter: jism, dirt, flow, blood. I’m unsure what that means. But it sounds okay. I sold nine copies of my novel. It was inspired by worm of worms like Shem Penman and Murphy and Molloy, the highstyle in the bible, SHXPR.
Howl



"I know, this is shit but ... Be cool unto the impression you make on peoples, Jah said pretentiously and that is a thought I copied and mucked round with and pasted from a book about bumming - or bummin: whatever sounds gooder - and in which I read the word contenant whose meaning I dunno without opening the Oxford Dictionary that's bottom of the pile on the bed." - A man on a downer in my head.


HOWL



More attack, more neurosis - Einsamkeit durch technik.




Below is an email I sent a good friend who's not replied to a small handful of messages I've sent lately.

Neurosis - vorsprung durch technik.

"Just knocked - you might be at work.... How come you ignore though lately? That's a hypothetical question. I should get used to it by now... my bad. I suck energy or something like that."

Feeling kind of bummed (less when stangers ignore you, more when the small number of friends you have do) it's nothing to be ashamed of. Seems to be the zeitgeist in my world/room... the desert I chose to live in.

What do you do though? Celebrate.

The sound and the fury.



There is a theory we think about in my house (bedsit) and it's based around people who in social-media profiles call themselves writers. They are not writers perhaps. On the front of a can of beans it says HP Baked Beans. But that's beans, baked beans, on the supermarket shelf. Whereas the code of a writer or poet or artist is different, in my house, in my bedsit. I am unable to explain it further. Or in other words (and these're the most liberating I utter - say/type/think a lot): I dunno.





Feels weird talking to people thru machines, machines thru people. Feels cool to call things art even when things are not art ... David Ooze 1922 - 1997.



This is how online neurosis works - seed to tree.

Neurosis might be the wrong word - it's just brain-thoughts. And if it is neurosis, that's okay. It's a writer's fuel I think. I want to be a writer. I just edited this to say - I am.

Megan Boyle is too, or she was. She uploaded a YouTube film of her walking round this maze in a wood. Cos of where she puts the camera (on the ground it seems) she occasionally walks in and out of shot.

Four minutes I watched before skipping to when she steps into view at twelve minutes sixteen seconds. Then I paused and positioned it, replayed and typed: 12:16 - Enter Boyle (to sound of woodpecker pecking, I think.)

In the seconds I was writing the comment, I knew the word pecking was superfluous. But I like the rhythm and repetition, which kind of suits the sound of a woodpecker's beak on a treetrunk. It was a split-second decision, unedited (a Boylean word), just unplanned chitchat.

(The sound's either a woodpecker, I thought, or a road-drill. I wasn't a hundred percent sure.)

When I'd pressed Post, however, I thought people might think I'd unintentionally added the surplus word pecking or they might see it as a pretentious thing to write, seeing that's what woodpeckers do - they peck. Maybe I thought that cos in April 2016 I published a novel on a literary press that targets the type of readers who buys a Megan Boyle book, known for her understated tone without surplusage.

I just predicted that the word pecking would be picked up on.

And it was ... Twelve or so hours passed and Megan Boyle replied: It was a woodpecker, I think.

That of course mirrors my comment - but without the word pecking. No major thing, I know. Maybe if I had deleted the word pecking Megan Boyle would have replied as she did. But I wanted to reply to Megan Boyle, to say if you were in the wood the sound of a woodpecker would be unmistakable. Though it's likely she didn't register the pecking, I thought. But anyway, I was unsure why she typed I think and I couldn't find the right words in the right order without sounding like an arse. It's as if Megan Boyle's comment combines sincerity, an unthinking sincerity with a nod to my word choice. And cos I want to be a writer, word choice is important to me. Not many things are important to me (the UK's sovereignty for instance) but word choice is, a voicey unpolished prose style is too.

Five minutes later, anyway, I replied.

Like joggers joggin, I typed ... the tone of which might be dickish but I wanted to convey my okayness with using a superfluity. And (although when typing my original post I didn't think yeah, I enjoy alliteration so let's do some alliteration) the reason why I put a woodpecker pecking is perhaps cos I like alliteration in speech. I also like it in the style of Joyce and Shakespeare. But I think reading Nabokov's prose put me off it - alliteration. But despite disliking it in most prose, I can't help speaking or typing alliteratively. It's just how the music in my brain sometimes beats, my zombie soundtrack. And I also think the missing G in joggin might scrape the ear of an unknown reader - but that's how it sounded in the instant I typed the reply.

One of my favourite sounds is a woodpecker pecking. I've not heard that deep but like hollow vibration for around twenty years. I remember it as a kid, with my dad up Bluebell Wood. Hark at that Peppy, he said. A woodpecker, pecking a tree!

Phew... Yeah. I'm unsure if what I've tried explaining is neurosis. I can't help how my feelings translate the world. This thing with Megan Boyle was only ten minutes of brain-time. The thoughts that pass thru the mind, however, when communicating to strangers on social media ... it's confusing - as it is in real life. And this is the kind of thing you'd explain to a mate and they'd think what-the-fuck are you on about? So I've blogged about it.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... I know.

The metaphysical impossibility of neurosis in the bones of someone who is not you...


Coiled inside ... Uncoiled outside, whatever that means.
I told a guy I wear my Michael Jackson shoes when I'm in a confident mood. I told a guy I wear my black adidas boxing referee shoes when my mood ebbs. They thought I was serious. Otherwise this is an advert for scaz tales ... Prose Home Movie

Buy the film about my life, Prose Home Movie ... click

And more DeLillo:






More art project about zombies, which're terrorists ... more Godzilla in all cities everywhere. Not just Kyoto or New York or Mexico.


Godzilla in all cities everywhere - not just Kyoto or Mexico


Do not try, says Arturo Belano but in which book I forget. I went out on my bike today. I stopped at this concrete space, this concrete forecourt with concrete benches and concrete steps. It was a Manchester University building in Hulme. I got off my bike. A group of women were lying on the grass. Three times I had eye-contact from one dark-haired woman. But she was too far to see my face. I sat in the sun with a black coffee and a cig. I had got the coffee from a restaurant: Kim by the Sea. But as I sat in the blazing sunbeams I felt these piles in my arse, throbbing pains. I just googled: Haemorrhoids: swollen blood vessels in or around the anus and rectum. The stabs inside, as if a needle pricked into me, the stabs distracted my reading Godzilla in Mexico. It's a poem by Arturo Belano. Everyone reads Belano I thought. You steal from his poems. Everyone reads DFW. You steal from him too. At first I studied at Spielberg Film School and then I went to Bono Film School and then I went to Jagger Film School and then I went to Warhol and Burroughs Film School and then I went to Finnegans Film School and then I went to Kraftwerk Film School and then I went to Cormac Film School and then I went to Keith Haring Film School and then I went to the many Arts in the many Deserts Film School. I didn’t get a qualification from any of the film schools. But I tried. Currently I am enrolled in Belano Film School and also enrolled in DFW Film School. But all I wanted today was to sit in the sun reading Godzilla, thinking about the throwback UFO scenes in Fargo, the TV series. But there were zombie pains in my arse.

So many film schools ... so little learnt in a way.